Useless Brain Vomit

 

TEN THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY OFFICE JOB
·         Beer bongs at lunch are frowned upon
·         If you have to share an office, vote against free burrito Fridays
·         Right now as you are reading this, somebody is going through your desk
·         There are such things as inappropriate jokes
·         Bonus is not a real word.  Nobody seems to know what it means
·         If you sexually harass somebody, make sure they are ugly.  There is less chance you will get sued and they may actually thank you
·         Everyone just assumes that the coffee make gets cleaned
·         At some point you will turn and hit you knee on you desk so hard you’ll wish you were dead

·         Yes, that brand new hire is making more money than you doing the same job

• There is a 72% chance that you will be replaced by a robot in the next four years…and yes….the robot will also be making more money than you did

PRESIDENT BUSH FINALLY GETS JOKE ABOUT HIS LAST NAME
BY FLOYD WINKERBEAN
AP

On June 18th at approximately 1:45 P.M., President Bush finally realized why his last name is funny. He was in the Lincoln Bedroom playing with his blocks when he finally had the epiphany. Said Bush of his recent clarity; “I don’t why it took this long for me to get it. I never understood why people would giggle when somebody would say Hey, where’s Bush? But now I understand. You see Bush is a slang term for a woman’s humpin’ part. Yeah, that is pretty funny.”

In an unprecedented move for a President, Bush decided he is going to change his last name. “I got it narrowed down to three. The first is George W. Holmes, ya know, after that porno guy John Holmes. You see, John Holmes was known for his giant wiener. I figure if I change my name to Holmes, people will think I have a big wiener too. A large hump stick intimidates people. I think it will especially help with the North Koreans. Everybody knows Asians have small winkies, so Kim Jong Il will do whatever I say because he’ll be in awe of my Texas sized wiener. That’s just good strategery.”

The second name President Bush is considering is George W. Schwarzenegger. “How cool does that sound,” Bush gushed, “I mean that guy’s awesome. If people think I’m related to him, I’ll get more respect. After all, we’re talking about a guy whooped up on Richard Dawson and the Predator, and then went on become President of California. Think about that for a minute, a Predator. I’ve had a staff working on how to defeat a Predator for 4 ½ years. He did it by himself. You ever seen a Predator? There mean son-of-bitches, growling, clicking, and drooling all over the place. I don’t know how he did it. Yeah. George Schwarzenegger. That kicks ass”

The last name Bush is considering is George George. “You see rememberin’ stuff like names is hard. I got too many. Sometimes I get confused when people call me by W or Mr. Bush. This way it is just George either way.”

One other name that the President was thinking about but decided against was George Clinton. Explains the President “Man, old Bill could get away with anything! He got his wiener slurrped’ in office, and his old lady didn’t leave him and his approval ratings even went up! That’s stones man. But then Condy told me that George Clinton is the name of some kind of funky alien guitar player or something. I told her I only listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd and Alabama. But since the name was taken, I decided to ditch it.” When asked weather or not the Vice President was going to change his name as well, Bush replied “ Why? What’s so funny about the word Cheney?”

Ricardo “Rico” Fuentes Released From Prison
FROM WIRE REPORTS

Ricardo “Rico” Fuentes was released from the Glades Correctional Institution on June 1st after spending 45 years in prison for the murder of Antonio “Tony” Mancini in 1958. Fuentes was sentence to 35 years to life in 1960, but was released on parole for good behavior. The murder had grabbed major headlines back in 1958 as the murder took place at a then major Miami hotspot, the Copacabana.

From testimony of eyewitnesses at the club, it seems as though Rico shot Tony during a dispute that arose from Rico making advances at Tony’s then girlfriend Lola Regalado. Lola was a showgirl at the Copacabana and Tony was a bartender, they worked from 8 till 4. “You should have seen Lola back then,” said former fellow showgirl Lucy Wenton, “with yellow feather in her hair and a dress cut down to there she would meringue and do the cha-cha, she was flawless”. “And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar. They were young and had each other, who could ask for more?”

But that happiness was shattered on April 17th, 1958 when a then 20-year-old Rico Fuentes decided to catch the show at the Copa. “Rico was always a hothead, trying to prove what a big shot he was”, said old pal Vince Marcello, “Rico always wore this big diamond and that night he saw Lola dancing there, so when she finished he called her over. But as always Rico went a bit to far, and this guy Tony sailed across the bar. And then the punches flew and chairs were broke in two, there was blood and a single gunshot. We couldn’t tell who shot who at first. But then we saw Tony laying there and Rico took off like a bat out of hell”.

The now 67-year-old Rico says he just wants to try to live the rest of his life in some sort of normal manner. “I was a young, stupid kid. I originally just pulled the gun to scare the guy. But he went and tried to grab it from me, and the next thing I know he dead. One of the first things I did when I got out was to try and get in touch with Lola. I finally caught up with her at the old Copacabana. The building is still there, but now it’s a disco, but not for Lola. Still in that dress she used to wear, faded feathers in hair, she sits there so refine and drinks herself half-blind. She didn’t even recognize me and just kept babbling. I think she’s lost her mind. But I’ve moved on. I got a job packing groceries at the Piggly Wiggly and I’m living with a great lady named Mandy. We spend weekends in New England and I can’t smile without her. Even now it’s a miracle, but it looks like I’ve made it.”