Useless Brain Vomit

FROM WIRE REPORTS
On Friday, May 13th, thousands of zombies will be taking to the streets of Los Angeles, California in protest of how they are portrayed in cinema and other multi-media formats. It is expected to be the largest demonstration the city has seen in a number of years. “For too long now Zombies have only been portrayed in a negative light. I don’t think you have ever once seen a positive portrayal in any medium” states Harold Broffstein, president of Protesting Unfair Treatment of Zombies, or P.U.T.Z., and the main organizer of the march. “In the movies, video games, books, you name it, Zombies are always dim-witted evil flesh hungry monsters. It just it not a true representation of what Zombies contribute to society!”

Wayne Troulman, an investment banker and Zombie of 12 years traveled all the way from Toronto, Canada to be part of the protest. “I think the way we are portrayed in the media is an outrage. 97% of the Zombie population is able to control their lust for flesh through proper medication. I personally have found great success on the Atkins diet. You can’t go stereotyping an entire race just because a few bad apples go on a blood thirsty killing spree”. And Wayne seems to have a point. According to statistics obtained from the Department Of Random Killings, (D.O.R.K.), of the 1,847 random killings in the United States last year, only 73 (4%), of those were due to a direct Zombie attack.

Broffstein blames John Russo and George Romero’s as the instigator of the current climate towards Zombies in America. “Before 1968, Zombies never really had any problems, but then that damn movie came out and it opened the flood gates! I like to refer to it as nothing more than a sensationalized propaganda film, like Reefer Madness. It was meant only to incite and scare, nothing more. I have heard rumors that Romero has some deep seeded bias against Zombies.” Broffstein is of course referring to the 1968 George A. Romero directed film “Night of The Living Dead”. Romero himself refused to comment on this story, but a former colleague of his has confirmed that in 1948, a Zombie was believed to be responsible for the death of a then 8 year old Romero’s pet hamster Stinky.

Regardless, Broffstein is expecting a very large turn out for the march and hopes to recruit some new members for P.U.T.Z. “I hope we get a very large crowd, and that it is not just limited to Zombies. I hope both the living and the living dead can march hand and hand. We have some celebrity Zombies who have already committed to the protest, including Sean Penn and Laura Flynn Boyle!” No word yet if the most famous of all Zombies, Al Gore, will be in attendance.

Jeff Cardosi is one of the living who is planning to attend. “I enjoy blowing the heads of Zombies in Resident Evil as much as the next guy, but when you get right down to it, they are sort of like people too. Although I am going to have my shotgun with me. You never know.” Sarah Miley, a Vampire who resides in Des Moines, Iowa, had originally planned on joining the march. “I was all set to go, but then due to permit issues, they had to reschedule it to during the day. But the more I think about it, I am not sure if a giant mass of Zombies wandering the streets on Friday the 13th is the best way to bring awareness to this issue. It’s kinda creepy.”