Useless Brain Vomit

FROM WIRE REPORTS
On Friday, May 13th, thousands of zombies will be taking to the streets of Los Angeles, California in protest of how they are portrayed in cinema and other multi-media formats. It is expected to be the largest demonstration the city has seen in a number of years. “For too long now Zombies have only been portrayed in a negative light. I don’t think you have ever once seen a positive portrayal in any medium” states Harold Broffstein, president of Protesting Unfair Treatment of Zombies, or P.U.T.Z., and the main organizer of the march. “In the movies, video games, books, you name it, Zombies are always dim-witted evil flesh hungry monsters. It just it not a true representation of what Zombies contribute to society!”

Wayne Troulman, an investment banker and Zombie of 12 years traveled all the way from Toronto, Canada to be part of the protest. “I think the way we are portrayed in the media is an outrage. 97% of the Zombie population is able to control their lust for flesh through proper medication. I personally have found great success on the Atkins diet. You can’t go stereotyping an entire race just because a few bad apples go on a blood thirsty killing spree”. And Wayne seems to have a point. According to statistics obtained from the Department Of Random Killings, (D.O.R.K.), of the 1,847 random killings in the United States last year, only 73 (4%), of those were due to a direct Zombie attack.

Broffstein blames John Russo and George Romero’s as the instigator of the current climate towards Zombies in America. “Before 1968, Zombies never really had any problems, but then that damn movie came out and it opened the flood gates! I like to refer to it as nothing more than a sensationalized propaganda film, like Reefer Madness. It was meant only to incite and scare, nothing more. I have heard rumors that Romero has some deep seeded bias against Zombies.” Broffstein is of course referring to the 1968 George A. Romero directed film “Night of The Living Dead”. Romero himself refused to comment on this story, but a former colleague of his has confirmed that in 1948, a Zombie was believed to be responsible for the death of a then 8 year old Romero’s pet hamster Stinky.

Regardless, Broffstein is expecting a very large turn out for the march and hopes to recruit some new members for P.U.T.Z. “I hope we get a very large crowd, and that it is not just limited to Zombies. I hope both the living and the living dead can march hand and hand. We have some celebrity Zombies who have already committed to the protest, including Sean Penn and Laura Flynn Boyle!” No word yet if the most famous of all Zombies, Al Gore, will be in attendance.

Jeff Cardosi is one of the living who is planning to attend. “I enjoy blowing the heads of Zombies in Resident Evil as much as the next guy, but when you get right down to it, they are sort of like people too. Although I am going to have my shotgun with me. You never know.” Sarah Miley, a Vampire who resides in Des Moines, Iowa, had originally planned on joining the march. “I was all set to go, but then due to permit issues, they had to reschedule it to during the day. But the more I think about it, I am not sure if a giant mass of Zombies wandering the streets on Friday the 13th is the best way to bring awareness to this issue. It’s kinda creepy.”

How to determine YOUR Star Wars name:
__________________________________________
Your New First Name:
A. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
B. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.
__________________________________________
Your New Last Name:
C. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name.
D. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.
__________________________________________
Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
E: Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them
F: Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car
G: Insert the word "of"
H: Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

I am Ryaro Winto - Sremer of Neosporin

CELEBRITY JEOPARDY SKIT
CHARACTERS
Alex Trebek
Christian Slater
Burt Reynolds
Sean Connery

Trebek: Hello, and welcome back to another installment of Celebrity Jeopardy. I am only here due to a court order, so let’s get this over with as quickly as possible. A quick recap of the scores. Christian Slater has –$2,600

Slater: (looking pensive) I’ve had sex with Shannen Doherty. I also nailed Tara Reid.

Trebek: Congratulations on your membership to the STD of the month club. Moving on, Burt Reynolds is at zero because as usual he has yet to buzz in. And Sean Connery is bringing up the rear with –$4,500.

Connery: I was bringing it up your mom’s rear last night Trebek (laughs).

Trebek: I am truly finding very hard not to stab you through the heart with my pencil right now, but we’ll move on. Here are the Double Jeopardy categories. Famous Quotes—Things In Your House—Gandhi, in this category, the answer to every question is “Who is Gandhi”—
T.V. Shows—Foods that end in “retzel”—and finally, Pizza Toppings. Burt Reynolds, you are in the lead, please pick a category.

Reynolds: (Silent)

Trebek: Mr. Reynolds, please pick a category.

Reynolds: That’s not my name. (Points to his monitor, where the name Farts McFadden is written).

Trebek: Being clever as usual Mr. Reynolds. Fine. Farts McFadden, please pick a category.

Reynolds: Farts McFadden. That’s a funny name. Funny. O.K. I’ll take the topless thing for $600.

Trebek: That’s Pizza Toppings. For $600 “This pizza topping comes from onion blooms.” (Reynolds buzzes in) Yes..Burr..I mean Farts McFadden.

Reynolds: What is “thin crust”.

Trebek: No…(Connery buzzes in). Sean Connery?

Connery: What is sausage. Oh wait…that’s your mom’s favorite (laughs)

Trebek: I don’t have the words. (Slater buzzed in). Yes Mr. Slater.

Slater: I was paid $6 million to make “Broken Arrow”. (time buzzer goes off).

Trebek: Unbelievable. Mr. McFadden, it is your turn again to choose a category. (Shows Reynolds blowing up a whoopee cushion.) O.K. You seem occupied. Sean Connery, why don’t you choose.

Connery: I’ll take transvestite shows for $1,000.

Trebek: That’s T.V. shows as in television. Geez. For $1,000 “This show starred and was named after Andy Griffith”. (Connery buzzes in). Sean Connery.

Connery: What is “Debutantes With Dongs 9”

Trebek: No. The category is television shows. Good lord you are sick. (Reynolds buzzes in). Farts McFadden.

Reynolds: What is “Squaws with schlongs 14”

Trebek: (Raising his voice) The category is about television, not transvestites! (Slater buzzes in).

Slater: Who is Eddie Murphy?

Trebek: No…For the last time (is interrupted by Christian Slater)

Slater: I slept with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Connery: You banged Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Slater: No…the first one…Kristy something. She was blonde too though.

Connery: So did the carpet match the curtains?

Trebek: Shut up. Both of you. The answer is “The Andy Griffith Show”. Were you people all sniffing glue before the show or something. I mean (is interrupted by someone handing him a slip of paper). Oh. I have just been given this information. Mr. Slater, it appears as though you are no longer considered a celebrity and have slipped down to a has-been. I am sorry, but you’ll have to leave, but they are waiting for you at the Surreal Life set on lot 6. (Slater looks confused as security comes to escort him away…yells as he is being forced off stage “I was Hard Harry damn it. You can’t do this to me! Remember Heathers…I was cool…I was cool…”)

Trebek: Alright then, I guess we’ll move on to Final Jeopardy. The Final Jeopardy category is “U.S. Capitals”. You know what…let’s just go with this. Write down a city. Any city. Any city will do..so will states, countries, any place will do” (The final Jeopardy music plays. Burt Reynolds is pretending his pen is a mustache, as Sean Connery seems to be writing. Music ends. As Trebek approaches the contestants podiums, he steps on a whoopee cushion. Reynolds and Connery Laugh).

Connery: (Laughing) Nice one Trebek…you dirty bastard!

Trebek: Comedy at its highest level as always from this panel. O.K. Mr. McFadden, I’ll guess we’ll start with you.

Reynolds: See what I’m doing here. I’m using the pen to make it look like a have a mustache. That’s funny. Funny see.

Trebek: No it’s not. Now let’ see what you answered. You wrote: “The Andy Griffith Show”. That’s incorrect.

Reynolds: No. That’s right. You just said so. Yeah. It’s right.

Trebek: No, that was an earlier question. You know what, I’m not even going to see what you wagered, I’m going to move on to Sean Connery, although I have no idea why. Let’s see, Mr. Connery, you wrote “French Lick”. Wow. I am stunned. You actually wrote down a city. As we all know, French Lick is in Indiana and is where Larry Bird is from. Let’s see what you wagered. (Monitor pans down to read “What Trebek’s mom charges extra for”. Connery laughs loudly). I truly wish you were dead. As usual, no money will be going to charity today. Thanks for watching.

Connery: (As the closing music starts to play) It’s worth the extra money I tell you. (Laughing) Just be glad you mom’s good at something Trebek, which is more than I can say for you. (Trebek leaps and starts choking Connery).